Bloke lying in bed...

[KungFooBob]

I went to buy an advent calendar from Woolworths, when I got it home I discovered the windows were all boarded up and there was nothing inside.

[Dodgyhaircut]

A woman says to her husband, "I'm fat, old and ugly. Say something to cheer me up."

He says, "there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Dodgyhaircut]

Old comic strip in a London paper, circa early 1900s. Two prominent London surgeons:

"Why did you operate on this man?"
"He gave me £100"
"But what did he have?"
"He had £100."