The Irish Tales

Chapter Six

(The Fox Who Stood and Thought.)


One fine evening, when she was supposed to be tucked up in bed, Jay was wandering through the copse next to the gravel pit, talking nonsense to Patsy, whilst taking an occasional snuffle of her raggie and wondering if her absence was noticed at home.

She was about to mention this to the Scaremonster, when Patsy halted abruptly and held up a hoof.
"Look," she whispered and pointed at a large elm about 10 yards away from them.

Jay looked hard, but for a moment, missed what Patsy was staring at. And then she saw it.
A massive dog fox, sitting at ease on its haunches and regarding them with an nonchalant air, bordering on impudence.

Did I mention that Jay’s Alsatian bitch, Tina was accompanying them ?
Well she was and when she saw the dog-fox, her muscles tensed and she gave a low, but menacing growl.

"Oh, pu-lease, spare me the drama, do !" said the Fox, in an impeccable Gloucestershire brogue, adorned by an elegant and – it has to be said – rather arrogant yawn.

Jay looked at Patsy. "It spoke in English," she said.
"Rather good English," replied Patsy.
"With an impeccable Gloucestershire brogue," added Tina.

Both Jay and Patsy turned and stared at Tina in amazement, for they had never before heard her talk human.
Tina, sensing their surprise, tossed her head and tutted in the way only Alsatian bitches can.

"What ? What ? A fox speaks and you’re only concerned with its accent ? But I speak and you’re like…duh !?"

The Fox coughed gently.
"Um, excuse me, but I believe I am the centre of attention this glorious evening ? Shall we not sit and talk of cabbages and kings and Gordon Brown ?"

Now, you will agree that this is unusual behaviour for a fox, even a fox who lives in the vicinity of a Scaremonster.

(Having a Scaremonster in your house can have a strange impact on the day to day lives of nearby humans and animals. The postman for example, does a handstand whilst delivering the post and the milkman barks like a dog when he collects the empties and leaves the fresh milk. Nobody considers this in any way unusual. Rabbits have even been said to lay hens eggs, but there is no firm proof of this…)

Even so, for a fox to sit fearlessly before them and talk quite casually about cabbages and kings and Gordon Brown is a little out of the ordinary.

"I’ve always believed that we should make an effort to, well, get on better with each other,"began the Fox.
Jay snorted with derision. "You could make a start by not raiding the hen coops," she muttered.

"Who’s Gordon Brown ?" asked Tina, softly, but nobody heard her.
The Fox raised a paw, in a lazy gesture. "We all need to eat, you know," he replied languidly.

"But you don’t eat them !" protested Jay. "Or rather you eat one, then kill all the rest, for fun."
The Fox sighed. "We all need fun, too,"smirked the Fox.

"I hate cabbage," muttered Tina, but once again, nobody heard her.

Now, Patsy had stayed very quiet while all this was going on, but she kept her big, black eyes firmly fixed on Charlie, whilst also sniffing the air constantly.

The Fox paused and he too sniffed the air, before continuing.
"OK, but it’s hardly fair or sporting to chase me for miles with a pack of excited, noisy hounds, all baying for my blood, now is it ?"

Jay rolled her eyes to heaven. "Oh what nonsense ! You love it ! And anyway you get away more often than not and the exercise is good for you."

The Fox had the good grace to smile and nod at this. "True, we all need our exercise."

Just then, Patsy yawned, got to her feet, (all six of them) and approached the Fox until she towered over him, snorting gently.
"You, sir, are not a fox."
The Fox looked up curiously. "No ? Then pray tell me –what am I ?"

Patsy grinned. "You are a red herring, sir. A RED HERRING !"
At this, The Fox looked puzzled, Jay looked puzzled and Tina looked puzzled.

And I imagine you’re a bit puzzled too. I don’t suppose you know what a red herring is.

Let’s sleep on it, shall we ?
****************************************