Bloke lying in bed...

[chazhead]

after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock.

He Says: "Do you really like my cock that much?"

She says: "Nah, I just miss mine."

[Hopester]

What's the difference between a pigeon and a City Trader?

A pigeon can still put down a deposit on a Ferrari

[KungFooBob]

A new report suggests that 9/11 was not the result of an attack by Islamic fundamentalists, but a cock up by the Irish.

Paddy and Mick were fitting new doors on the 44th floor, Mick told Paddy that the door they were working on didn't fit and that Paddy should go get a plane and take the top off.

[S1OPP]

A man and wife are shopping in the local supermarket.

He picks up a 24 pack of Stella and before he can put it in the trolly his wife says ;

"What are you doing?"

He replies "It's on special offer, only £12"

"Not a chance, there's a credit crunch on, we need to back cut backs." she growls.

Back on the shelf the beer goes, and they continue shopping. A few aisles further and the wife reaches for a £25 jar of anti-wrinkle cream.

"What are you doing?" asks the husband.

"It's to keep myself looking beautiful for you my dear"

He replies "The Stella does that and it's only £12"

[KungFooBob]

I went to buy an advent calendar from Woolworths, when I got it home I discovered the windows were all boarded up and there was nothing inside.

[Dodgyhaircut]

A woman says to her husband, "I'm fat, old and ugly. Say something to cheer me up."

He says, "there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Dodgyhaircut]

Old comic strip in a London paper, circa early 1900s. Two prominent London surgeons:

"Why did you operate on this man?"
"He gave me £100"
"But what did he have?"
"He had £100."

[Bikerchickett]

those cheered me up as i woke up this morning convinced it was monday... even rang my boss to see if i could do the late shift co i have a headache !!!

[culurdy09]

my bed sits incredibly low to the floor, so there is nothing under it but carpet as well.